A Christmas Song lyrics

Well,um it`s the holiday season
And Santas` been checkin` his list to see whos` been naughty or nice
And I`m kinda feelin` guilty
So I wrote a song

So many presents, so little time
Santa won`t be coming
By my house this year
`Cause I tried to drown my sister
And I pierced my ear
Oh mama made it perfectly clear
Santa don`t like bad boys
Especially Jewish ones

Skanif-kanof and Lego blocks
Are what I desire
So, why`d I have to set
The pizza guy`s hair on fire
I told him I was sorry, I`m a liar
So, no toys for me

I don`t deserve `em
I couldn`t wait for a big wheel
As the holiday neared
But then I told my grandma
That she had a beard

(speaking) Dear Santa,
I know what my problem is
Why I can`t be good
It`s a fear of intimacy
You see, my whole life
Whenever I`ve met someone
really great like you and,
I keep feeling
I`m getting too close to them
Something inside me
Makes me want to screw it up
So in a weird way
The reason I`m so bad is because
I love you so much Santa

Rock `em, Sock `em robots
Is what I was hopin` for
But then I made a death threat
To Vice President Gore
Oh Santa won`t be knockin` on my door
`Cause he`s a big fat whore
What made me say that!?

Chutes and Ladders
Would be so good indeed
So why`s I have to sell
That cop a bag of weed

So Santa please give me
My Easy Bake Oven
I swear I thought Billy goats
Were made for lovin`

So Santa won`t you
Accept my appoligies
Santa can`t you see
I`m beggin` you please
Oh Santa, next year
I`ll do you right
Live from New York
It`s Saturday Night
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