Adventures In Failure lyrics

(No one can do it better)

Damn I hate this job
to work in this dump you gotta be a snob
everybody gets on my nerves in this place
I think I`ll take the afternoon off from the rat race
an exciting career
don`t amount to much but a pain in the rear
I bust my ass all day for a dollar
and then I go home and listen to the kids holler
devoted spouse waitin` in the den
wants to hit me upside the head with a rolling pin
does that ring a bell?
a daily routine we all know well
I`m makin` more but enjoyin` it less
the good life`s mainly causin` me stress
making a change is difficult but
I gotta try to get out of this rut
but fear seems to be holdin` me back
courage is the principle trait I lack
I gotta calm my nerves so I can think
I pour myself a nice stiff drink
and another this is my usual mode
one for the money and ten for the road
ah, now everything is clear
I gotta get the hell out of here
Yes now my mission is plain
a Big Mac is calling my name
I gotta sample some of Ronald`s cooking
so I raid my wifes purse when she`s not looking
pondering the wonderful thing called marriage
I accidentally back the car into a baby carriage
`scuse me ma`am I`d love to stay and chat
but watch where you`re going next time you old bat
I hit the gas and zoom down the block
leave `er in the dust yellin` for the cops
swervin` round a corner tryin` to steer
I get so excited I almost spill my beer
a neighbourhood dog is yappin` at my bumper
so I slam on the brakes and I hear a big thump
I jump the curb and land up on a lawn
then I finish my beer and turn the radio on
some idiot`s goin` on about rehab
I grab a brew and yank on the pull tab
here comes a little old lady with a shot gun
I put the pedal to the metal and she runs
digging on my off-road driving power
I do a donut in a bed of flowers
then I jerk the wheel a little to hard
the car rolls over and over on out of the yard

(Causin` much destruction)
(Act the fool)

I come to rest in the middle of the street
a bunch of empty beer cans rattlin` at my feet
starin` in the window is a nosy little brat
I look him in the eyes and say `I meant to do that`
then I notice my watch says I`m overdue
for my big appointment at the local drive through
I do a number on the accelerator
and I`m cuttin` in line about thirty seconds later
whaddya think this is?
some kinda joke?
gimme 10 Big Macs and a small diet coke
I pull up to the window with my radio playin`
I grab the bag and leave without payin`
I weave down the road for a block
jugglin` a beer and a a styrofoam box
pull into a parking lot and kill the motor
presently I notice a peculiar odour
a little black smoke is risin` from the hood
somethings gonna happen and it`s probably not good
I open the door grab my stuff and go
just in time to watch the whole thing blow
the car explodes with a bang and a hiss
Oh boy, my wife is gonna really like this
I can`t believe this is happenin` to me
this piece of junk`s goin` back to the factory
this was a blatant attempt on my life
everyone will fall for that
except my wife
but wait a plan begins to emerge
I suddenly have an overwhelming urge
to spend the night in the great outdoors
my suburban lifestyle has become a bore
I`ll build me a fire
and finish my burgers
what my wife don`t know
won`t hurt her
I leave the scene of the unhappy event
resolved to make the most of my predicament
a few yards away I feel better
I know! I`ll write `er a letter
or better yet a ransom demand
got your husband send the money understand?
or else we`ll send his head home in a jar
P.S.
sorry `bout the car
Yeah, now that ought to really do the trick
I`ll be gettin` off the hook and she`ll be worried sick
but really, I`m gonna make it up to you honey
I`ll buy you a new car with your own damned money
I walk a while into the sunset
a man, at peace with the world, you bet
nothing can diminish my total enjoyment
except when I pass my place of employment
Damn I hate this job
to work in this dump you gotta be a snob
everybody gets on my nerves in this place
I think I`ll take the afternoon off
from the rat race

(Hard like a criminal)