If You Were Gay lyrics

ROD
Aah, an afternoon alone with
My favorite book, `Broadway
Musicals of the 1940s.`
No roommate to bother me.
How could it get any better than this?

NICKY
Oh,hi Rod!

ROD
Hi Nicky.

NICKY
Hey Rod, you`ll never
Guess what happened to
Me on the subway this morning.
This guy was smiling at me and talking to me

ROD
That`s very interesting.

NICKY
He was being real friendly,
And I think he was coming on to me.
I think he might`ve thought I was gay!

ROD
Ahem, so, uh, why are you telling me this?
Why should I care?
I don`t care.
What did you have for lunch today?

NICKY
Oh, you don`t have to get
All defensive about it, Rod...

ROD
I`m NOT getting defensive!
What do I care about some gay guy you met, okay?
I`m trying to read.

NICKY
Oh, I didn`t mean anything by it, Rod.
I just think it`s something we should be able to talk about.

ROD
I don`t want to talk about it,
Nicky! This conversation is over!!!

NICKY
Yeah, but...

ROD
OVER!!!

NICKY
Well, okay, but just so you know —
IF YOU WERE GAY
THAT`D BE OKAY.
I MEAN `CAUSE, HEY,
I`D LIKE YOU ANYWAY.
BECAUSE YOU SEE,
IF IT WERE ME,
I WOULD FEEL FREE
TO SAY THAT I WAS GAY
(BUT I`M NOT GAY.)

ROD
Nicky, please!
I am trying to read....
What?!

NICKY
IF YOU WERE QUEER

ROD
Ah, Nicky!

NICKY
I`D STILL BE HERE,

ROD
Nicky, I`m trying to read this book.

NICKY
YEAR AFTER YEAR

ROD
Nicky!

NICKY
BECAUSE YOU`RE DEAR
TO ME,

ROD
Argh!

NICKY
AND I KNOW THAT YOU

ROD
What?

NICKY
WOULD ACCEPT ME TOO,

ROD
I would?

NICKY
IF I TOLD YOU TODAY,
`HEY! GUESS WHAT,
I`M GAY!`
(BUT I`M NOT GAY.)
I`M HAPPY
JUST BEING WITH YOU.

ROD
High Button Shoes, Pal Joey...

NICKY
SO WHAT SHOULD IT
MATTER TO ME
WHAT YOU DO IN BED
WITH GUYS?

ROD
Nicky, that`s GROSS!

NICKY
No it`s not!
IF YOU WERE GAY
I`D SHOUT HOORAY!

ROD
I am not listening!

NICKY
AND HERE I`D STAY,

ROD
La la la la la!

NICKY
BUT I WOULDN`T GET
IN YOUR WAY.

ROD
Aaaah!

NICKY
YOU CAN COUNT ON ME
TO ALWAYS BE
BESIDE YOU EVERY DAY,
TO TELL YOU IT`S OKAY,
YOU WERE JUST BORN
THAT WAY,
AND, AS THEY SAY,
IT`S IN YOUR DNA,
YOU`RE GAY!

ROD
BUT I`M NOT GAY!

NICKY
If you were gay.

ROD
Argh!
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