Number One lyrics

I am a gambler
I am Fortune`s son
I am the first mate of the NCC-1701D

Well I had an encounter at Farpoint Station
With a little touch of constipation
While I was waiting to come aboard and meet my crew
But when the captain arrived I got this feeling inside
That there was something that I needed to do
And it`s true

That when I got to my quarters there was something missing
I didn`t have a pot to piss in
But I was too proud to ask an ensign where to go
And so I flashed with a smile and held it in for awhile
And tried not to let it show
But you know

CHORUS:
I asked the ship`s computer
I checked the technical guide
But there are no bathrooms on the Enterprise
I`ve been here seven days
And I can`t wait anymore
Pretty soon I`m gonna boldly go where no one`s ever gone before

I can`t sit down, I`m in some condition
How`d Kirk survive on a five year mission?
This new assignment is getting harder to endure
Cause I ain`t feeling so great and I`m putting on lots of weight
I couldn`t make it through a three hour tour
That`s for sure

And now I`ve gained twenty pounds and I grew a beard
How could I shave without a bathroom mirror?
If I don`t get some relief I`m gonna split my skin
Cause I`m as round as a globe and if I don`t launch a probe
Soon I`ll weigh enough to be my own twin
My transporter twin

CHORUS